exercise #25

half the time, i fall in love with women. during those hours, i realize that they are so much more interesting than men. every woman seems to emanate mystery; especially when she is quiet, when you can't tell whether she is happy or sad. women have a look about them that makes you think of something soft and kind of blurry around the edges. this gives them an elusive air, both transient and unforgiving. makes them seem like they're the ones who are hard to hold on to; hard to keep.

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today, i watched a woman cross the street. i could not help but notice the way her shoulders slumped a bit and her dress just sort of hung onto her body like a tired, sleepy child. her ankles were showing and they were very pale.

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when women love, it is with a wholeness that is beautiful. see her stir her lover's coffee, a smile playing on her face once in a while. see her reading a book -- she bites her lip between sentences. when she sleeps, her left hand is nowhere near her body but is shot outward. it's almost as if she's reaching for something. she is.

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it is a secret how women know when to love or move away. some do not admit to this; thus, the hurt. but we do know the exact moment a lover decides to turn away forever, or when the weather in his heart changes, or when a child learns that growing up is everything.

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inspite of all logic, i still fall in love with men. or, more specifically, with one man. i love him even if i know that the sinews of his body hold no honesty. when he tilts his head to listen, i know it is not me he hears but maybe, the ocean, always something unreachable.

when he takes me in his arms, a home forms in that small space our bodies occupy. and it is different from the home i know that is inside me; far simpler than the secrets hiding between my legs, the outrageous twists of my wanting.

but this, with him, makes me feel final and whole. which is the greatest deception, really, because the real curse is  that he can never belong to me, nor to anyone else, for that matter. none of us can ever keep any one of them --inspite of the shared fruit, the sudden fall.

such is the rule of the world.